2. Modern Obstacles to Modern Dating

The main obstacle

The main obstacle in dating is how you feel about yourself.

When people say the problem is you, they mean how you feel about yourself. Apps, profiles, and the other dating tactics sit on the outside of that.

Dating today is crowded and confusing. It is hard to know what to do, or why, because almost no one is taught. Each person arrives with their own agenda. When a date does not work, it is easy to call the other person terrible and start over, chasing the next person in hope that something will change. All of that still leaves the same obstacle in place: how you feel about yourself.

Needing someone else to feel worthy

A man becomes the nice guy: always agreeable, hoping someone will give him a little affection. He wants respect and a sense of worth from a woman, while he does not feel that in himself. A woman becomes the easygoing girl, hoping that if he loves her she can finally accept herself.

The people you meet often show you your own attitude toward yourself. That is easy to miss when all your attention is on them.

What to do with this

Seeing how you feel about yourself is already most of the work. Before you look for a relationship with someone else, you need a solid relationship with yourself. Get to know who you are, and reach some acceptance and appreciation for the person already there.

For a woman, write what you genuinely appreciate about yourself and why you are worthy. Notice which people leave you lifted and which leave you smaller, and give more attention to the ones who support you. On a date, ask whether you feel seen for who you are. Do the things that make you happy, and say what is on your mind. If you are uncomfortable, you are done. Keep first dates small, like coffee, so you do not feel you owe anyone.

For a man, that comes from the inside, with small things you actually keep doing. Wash the dishes. Make the bed. Read a little on what interests you. These habits are important. That sense of having accomplished something, even in small steps, lets you carry yourself differently.

Then sit with someone in an ordinary setting. See whether they want the real person, and whether you want them.