3. Respect and Love

Looking for it in someone else

A man looks to a woman for respect he does not feel. A woman looks to a man for a love she does not feel. That is the personal challenge.

A man who is struggling in dating often looks for a woman who will respect him, make him feel a certain way, and validate him. He hasn't earned that respect from himself. He doesn't see much he has accomplished, so he tries to get it from her.

A woman wants to be loved. That desire stays even when she does not accept herself. So she waits for his love to give her what she hasn't given herself: permission to be who she is.

What men are looking for is respect. What women are looking for is love. You cannot get those from a partner first. They have to be in you.

Accepting yourself

Accepting yourself as you are means getting to know who you are, reconnecting to your own self, and reaching some appreciation for the person already there. A partner cannot give you the love or the respect you do not already feel.

But it looks different for a woman and for a man. She accepts. He builds.

A woman can rest in her nature. She is grounded in herself: in her convictions, beliefs, and desires. She gets there by coming back to herself. She notices what she truly wants, stops shrinking to be liked, and lets her own values lead. She does the things that actually make her happy, and she says what is on her mind. She wants to be loved for who she is, and it starts with her loving who she is.

A man cannot rest in his nature, because his nature is rest. A man is built. He seeks pleasure with the least effort. He overcomes his nature. That is what builds him. His sense of worth comes from what he does: the actions he keeps and what he has actually accomplished. A woman's respect follows the respect he has earned from himself.

Before your next date

For a man: Looking at your life right now, at your work, health, home, and money, is there one thing you've been putting off? What's the smallest step on it that would make you feel you're moving forward? When could you take it?

For a woman: In your closest relationships, at work, with friends, or in your family, where do you find yourself shrinking to keep someone happy? Where do you set aside what you believe so you'll be liked? If you chose one of those moments, what would it look like to say what you actually think?