4. Being Known, Being Respected

To be loved

What a woman wants is to feel appreciated, to feel loved, and to be recognized for who she is. The person sitting there. What she can offer him is beside the point.

Being loved for who she is is easy to miss if she grew up feeling worth only when she gives something. Then a date becomes a hunt for the right offering: how she listens, how she dresses, who pays, whether she gives him what he wants so he'll find her interesting.

The questions she can ask herself on a date are simpler. Do I feel special? Is he taking an interest in me? Does he want to get to know me?

The deepest need is to be loved for who she is. That only works if the other person actually knows who she is. Can he see her as she is, and can she be herself with him?

If she is used to earning her place by giving, a man who wants to know her as she is can feel like too much. He can seem like the wrong person. Men who only want what she gives can feel safer, even when they never asked who she is. That is how she walks away from the man who actually wants her. What she wants is still the same: to feel loved, appreciated, and recognized for who she is.

When she is loved for who she is, there can be peace. She has someone who looks out for her. He takes care of their life together, and he does it because he wants to.

To be respected

What a man wants is respect. When he is struggling, he often looks for a woman who will give him that respect and make him feel valid.

The respect he is actually after is the feeling of being a man. It starts with what he has built: what he has actually accomplished, even small things he does on a regular basis, like keeping a schedule. That is the respect he can stand on.

From there, he can be honest about his attraction. He doesn't ignore it. He asks where it is coming from. Is it the natural desire for intimacy, the pull any man feels toward a woman he finds attractive? Or has she sparked his interest as a person? The first is the basic foundation. The second is what he has to explore, without acting on the first.

So he takes an interest in her: who she is, what she wants, what moves her. She mentions a place she has always wanted to see, and he remembers it and plans the next date there. He wants someone he enjoys serving. He isn't the nice guy, who serves to earn affection. He serves from strength, because giving to her is what he wants to do. When he finds out what she wants and they do those things together, it lifts how he feels about himself.

That attention builds her trust, and so does his consistency. She can see he is in control of his own desire. He is interested in her, not just in what she can give him.

It starts with each of them

Love and respect are what the two are looking for from each other. Both still start with how they feel about themselves. When she knows and accepts who she is, and he respects what he has built, they can sit together in an ordinary setting and find out whether they want each other as they really are.

Before your next date

For a man: When you feel drawn to a woman, what is it about her? Is it attraction alone, or has she sparked your interest as a person? What could you ask her that would help you find out?

For a woman: Looking back, were the men you felt safest with the ones who wanted to know you, or the ones who wanted what you give? What would it look like to let a man get to know you without offering something to earn it?