7. The Perfect First Date Is a Small One

Why I date

The most fundamental part of dating is knowing why I'm doing it. Understanding that goal takes a lot of the stress out of the process. Often in the first few minutes of a date, I can tell whether I want to see someone again, because I know what I'm looking for.

Everyone has to define that for themselves. For me, dating is an opportunity to get to know someone. To see if we get along. To see if we connect.

I don't want to be led by instant attraction. Attraction matters, but the animalistic uproar of lust and passion tells me nothing about who is sitting across from me. I want to sit with someone in a very casual setting. Forget the first, second, and third dates of fancy dinners and overseas trips. That is a fantasy that leads people astray and leaves them brokenhearted. I'm looking for a coffee date, a walk in the park, sitting on a bench.

Simple dates

These things are very simple. Through them I get to know the person I'm sitting with, the person I'm talking with. Are they even willing to spend time with me? Are they willing to open up? How do they communicate? What questions do they ask? Do they take an interest in me, or do they only talk about themselves?

A simple date keeps me from getting attached too early. There's no candlelit dinner or grand gesture doing the work, and no setting that makes the evening feel bigger than it is. What I feel is about the person, not the experience. It also gives the other person room to open up, so I can see how they respond when I'm simply myself.

I keep it short, an hour or so. If it goes well, we both leave wanting more, which is a better start than an evening that runs out of things to say.

How it looks for each

A man leads the first date. He makes the plan and offers a simple choice: "I'd like a chance to get to know you. I'm thinking a cup of coffee near a park, or maybe brunch at [place]." Then he gives her his attention, not a performance.

A woman doesn't need to impress him. On a first date, her part is to notice. Does she feel seen? Is he interested in her, or in what she can give him? Can she relax and be herself?

Both are watching for the same thing: whether the other person wants to know who they really are.

Who I truly am

What I want most is to be loved for who I am. No one can do that if they never get to know me. If someone meets the real me and rejects it, they probably aren't the person I want to be with.

I have to work on myself. We all do. I still want someone who wants me as I am, not the mask I put on to impress them. I only find that out on a simple date.

Before your next date

For a man: When you plan a first date, who is it really for: her, or the impression you want to make? What would a date look like that let you actually get to know her?

For a woman: On your last first date, how much of the time were you trying to be interesting, and how much were you noticing whether he was interested in you? What would it take to arrive with nothing to prove?