6. The Next Person Is Always Waiting

Modern dating is confusing

It is hard to know how a relationship is supposed to form anymore. Dating, getting to know someone, what used to be called courting: no one agrees on how any of it works.

Each person shows up with their own plan and their own picture of how things should go. When it doesn't work, they rarely stop to ask why. It's easier to decide the other person was the problem and move on.

Chasing the next person

Moving on becomes a cycle. The next person, then the next, hoping something will change. Somewhere down the line, the magical partner will appear. The girl of my dreams. The boy of my dreams.

Meanwhile, they listen to every voice but their own. Influencers, friends, family, and the culture around them all have an opinion on who the right partner is, where that person should come from, and what he or she should be like.

Overabundance

There is always another person. Another date. Another chat. Another picture of who they are supposed to be.

It pulls men and women in different ways. A man scrolls through faces and stays at the level of attraction. There is always someone more attractive, so he never slows down long enough to see whether a woman sparks his interest as a person. A woman compares every man to the one she's been told she deserves. There is always someone who might be better, so she never lets one man get close enough to know her.

Big first dates belong to the same search. An expensive dinner and an impressive plan turn the evening into a performance. Both people show their best version, and neither sees who is actually sitting there. The fantasy survives, and so does the search.

The easy path is to keep looking. Talk online. Send pictures. Keep the feeling of a relationship without sitting with someone. When a date fails, no one has to look at why. The next person is already waiting.

Looking at the wrong person

The whole time, all the attention is on the other person: how they should look, who they should be. What gets missed is who is doing the choosing. The people someone keeps attracting reflect how that person sees themselves. Chasing an ideal partner is often a way of not looking at oneself.

The way out of the search is small. One real person. One ordinary setting. Enough time to find out whether they want who is actually there.

Before your next date

For a man: When you swipe past someone or lose interest after one date, what are you actually looking for? Is it the next face, or someone who could spark your interest as a person? What might change if you gave one woman a second conversation?

For a woman: Who told you what the right man should look like, earn, or be? Is that picture yours? If a man doesn't match it but clearly wants to know you, what might you give up by moving on?