4. Understanding the Core of a Relationship

To be loved

What a woman wants is to feel appreciated, to feel loved, and to be recognized for who she is. The person sitting there. What she can offer him is beside the point.

Being loved for who you are is easy to miss if you grew up feeling worth only when you give something. Then a date becomes a hunt for the right offering: how you listen, how you dress, who pays, whether you give him what he wants so he will find you interesting.

The question on the date is simpler. Do I feel special? Is he taking an interest in me? Does he want to get to know me?

The deepest need is to be loved for who you are. That only works if the other person actually knows who you are. Sit with someone in a simple setting. See if they want you as you are, and if you can be yourself with them.

If you are used to earning your place by giving, a man who wants to know you as you are can feel like too much. He can seem like the wrong person. Men who only want what you give can feel safer, even when they never asked who you are. That is how you walk away from the man who actually wants you. What you want is still the same: to feel loved, appreciated, and recognized for who you are.

When she is loved for who she is, there can be peace. She has someone who looks out for her. He takes care of their life together, and he does it because he wants to.

To be respected

What a man wants is respect. When he is struggling, he often looks for a woman who will give him that respect and make him feel valid.

The respect he is actually after is the feeling of being a man. That feeling does not come from the first spark of attraction. It comes when he puts that first spark aside and takes an interest in her: who she is, what she wants, what moves her. He wants someone he enjoys serving. When he finds out what she wants and they do those things together, it lifts how he feels about himself.

That same attention tells her she can trust him and rely on him. He is in control of his own desire. He is interested in her.

His sense of worth grows from what he has actually accomplished, even in small things he does on a regular basis, like keeping a schedule. That consistency builds trust. That is the respect he can stand on. From there he can give her the interest she is looking for.

It starts with you

Love and respect are what the two people are looking for from each other. Both people still start with how they feel about themselves. Get to know who you are. Reach some acceptance and appreciation for yourself. Then you can sit with someone and see whether they want that person, and whether you want them.