8. Unlocking Human Nature

What moves us

Even when I was younger, I had a question. What causes people to do what they do? To be interested in what they are interested in? To be drawn toward what they are drawn toward? What is behind that?

I took the route of psychology and spirituality. After studying that, I arrived at an understanding of what I call human nature. Human nature is how each of us is built. We come into the world with certain natural predispositions.

On a date, it is the same question. What makes me feel loved and appreciated? What makes the other person fall in love, respect me, and want a relationship? Both people are built this way.

Predispositions and the people around us

Some people are more artistic. Some lean toward music, some toward sports, some toward scientific thinking. Different skills. Different inclinations.

Each of us is also born into an immediate environment: parents, neighborhood, upbringing, society. That environment takes those internal inclinations and shapes our beliefs, abilities, and personality.

That personality is what we bring to dating. We use what we already have: childhood, television, and the people around us.

Why this matters

This matters because most grown adults, including me for the first 30 years of my life, did not notice what was running our lives. It told us what we liked and did not like. What to go after and what to leave alone. How to act.

We follow a simple, almost animalistic rule meant to keep us alive. Fear is hard to face because the mind treats fear like death. So we stay where we already are. We have built a society that keeps us at a certain level of comfort.

Human nature looks for what feels good with the least effort. Before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else, you need a solid relationship with yourself. You still go after what is easy, and you still leave alone what feels hard. If talking to someone, or going on a real date, looks too hard, the easy option is to stay online. Chat. Send pictures. Feel like you are in a relationship without meeting anyone. If you do not believe you can get what you want, you do not try.

You need to know how you are built, and how the other person is built. Then you have to go on a real date. That is how you get what you want.