9. Why People You Meet Online Vanish

Why we start with ourselves

Before we can have a healthy relationship with someone else, we need a healthy relationship with ourselves. That takes a solid foundation. What moves us. What triggers us. What motivates us. What drives us. How we fall in love, and what causes us to fall in love.

That is where a relationship with someone else starts.

The shortest path

The foundation of human nature, if I could put it in a sentence, is this. I look for what gives me pleasure and asks for the least effort.

We were built to conserve energy and still take care of what we need. Whether I want a meal, someone close, a relationship, or anything else, I look for the shortest path.

What we need, and what actually gets us to act, differs from person to person. If I do not believe I can reach a goal, I do not go after it.

Why people get ghosted

Say I am a man and I want to be with a woman. All I see is how hard it is to talk to women, how hard it is to date, how hard it is to do anything. So I sit online and pretend I am building a relationship. We talk. We chat. We send pictures. It feels exciting. Then someone says, let's go on a real date. I hesitate. Maybe I try. Then I do not know what to do next.

From the other side, it feels like they disappeared. They were talking. You asked to meet. Then nothing. The chat was easy. A real date asks for effort. If I do not believe I can do it, or I do not know what comes next, the shortest path is to go quiet.