10. Why No One Grows Alone

Why we need a relationship

Everything in nature moves. A river that keeps flowing stays clear, while water that stops goes stale. Nothing alive stays still. It develops, or it decays.

People are the same. Once there is food and shelter, the next need is to be with someone. That is how the human race continues. It is also how we grow toward something higher than ourselves, because real growth needs something outside of us to reach toward.

I still need a relationship

I am a single male. I do not need women. I am good with my video games. I still have a need to be in a relationship. So I find someone. I enter into a relationship.

Now I have a woman sitting on my head, telling me to grow. You need to grow as a man. You have such qualities, such abilities. Develop them. Grow. Use them for other people. I will love you even more for that.

That is the gift. She sees what is already in me before I do, and she won't let me waste it. Growth means developing what is already there and using it for other people. That is how I move toward something higher than myself. She loves me more for it.

Her side

She grows too, in her own way. When a man takes her seriously enough to grow for her, she learns she doesn't have to earn love by giving. She can rest in who she is, say what's on her mind, and trust that he has their shared life in hand. Being seen that way lets her become more fully herself.

Two people, one union

The purpose of a relationship is two imperfect people coming together and creating a union that, at its root, is perfect.

Perfect doesn't mean finished. In nature, nothing perfect stands still. Like the river, it stays alive by moving. A perfect union is one that keeps growing, in harmony, toward something both people are reaching for.

The two people let go of more of the I and make something mutual. In daily life, it looks small. He asks what she needs before deciding for himself. She tells him what she really thinks instead of just keeping the peace. Over time, the question shifts from "What do I get?" to "What are we building?" What they build is higher and kinder than either person alone.

Before your next date

For a man: Is there an ability in you that you know you're not using? Who in your life sees it, and what would it take to let them push you a little?

For a woman: When you picture a partner, is it someone who will keep you comfortable, or someone you'll grow alongside? What would it mean to be loved for who you are, not for what you give?