5. Dating on Autopilot

Dating without knowing why

People do not know what they are doing. Why should they? No one told them how, and no one told them why.

They go on a date, then another. Each person has their own interests in mind, their own agenda.

Most people start dating because they feel lonely. They want company. But after a few dates, even months later, what is it they actually want?

Not identifying that goal is the fundamental mistake people make while they date. Without a goal, they accept whatever comes, and they stay longer than they should.

Both people at the table

Knowing why is the first part. The other two are understanding how dating works and understanding human nature.

Human nature is how each person is built. Each needs to know what makes them feel loved and appreciated, and what makes the other person fall in love, feel respected, and want a relationship.

A woman is usually looking to be loved: to be seen and wanted for who she is. A man is usually looking to be respected: to feel capable, and to feel like a man. Neither need is wrong. The trouble starts when each tries to meet the other's need with their own. He offers her solutions when she wants to be known. She offers him comfort when he wants to be trusted.

The script they already have

When people don't know how each person is built, they rely on whatever system they already have: the examples they saw growing up, television, upbringing, and the other influences around them. That is what they have.

The trouble is that no one chose that script. A man who learned from movies that love is a grand gesture keeps making big moves and wonders why she doesn't open up. A woman who watched her mother earn love by giving keeps giving, and wonders why she never feels loved back. Most people date on autopilot, following a script they never chose.

The work is knowing why they are dating, understanding how dating works, and understanding themselves and the person sitting next to them.

Before your next date

For a man: Where did you learn what a woman wants: from what you've seen actually work, or from movies and the men around you? When you picture the relationship you want a year from now, what are you actually building?

For a woman: What did you learn growing up about how a woman earns love? Is that still how you want to be loved? After a few dates, how will you know whether he's moving you toward what you want, or just keeping you company?