17. His Job and Her Job on the First Dates

Her job

The first dates need standards: what is acceptable, and what is not. Her job is to hold them, unapologetically, and to find out whether he is into her for her or for what he can get out of her. Physical intimacy is off the table on these first dates. Otherwise, she cannot tell the difference.

Her standards start with her own values. She doesn't bend them to be liked, or hide them to seem easygoing. Then she watches what comes out of him.

She notices the quality of the conversation. Does he ask about her, listen, and build on what she says? Or does it stay shallow and keep circling back to him?

She notices alignment. Do their goals line up? What does each of them like and dislike, and what do they want their lives to look like?

Above all, she notices how she feels. Does she feel valued? Or, after she has clearly said what she will and won't do, does she still feel pushed toward something she doesn't want?

That last one is the clearest signal. A man who hears her standards and keeps pushing has already told her everything she needs to know.

His job

A man has to figure out whether he is actually interested in her. He cannot figure that out if he talks about himself. He has to get interested. He asks questions, and that is how he gets to know her.

If he is not interested, it is not meant to be. He can say goodbye peacefully, not see her again, and be done with it. His purpose is to find someone he is interested in beyond her physical appeal. Then he isn't stressed on a date or wondering what to do next. He knows why he is there, so his job is simple: get to know her, and see whether he likes her. Often he can tell in the first few minutes who is not right for him.

When she states her standards, his job is to respect them. They aren't an obstacle to get around. They're the first real thing she has shown him about who she is.

What's left

After the physical appeal fades, what is left is who he is and who she is. They might as well figure that out right away.

Before your next date

For a woman: What are the two or three standards you won't bend on? When you've shared them before, did you hold them, or soften them once you liked him?

For a man: When a woman tells you what she will and won't do, how do you usually respond? What might you learn about her if you treated her standards as information instead of a hurdle?