15. Loved for Who She Is, Not What She Gives

What she was taught

Many women were raised with a quiet rule: in and of herself, she is worth nothing unless she can do something for someone else. So giving becomes a trade. She does something for someone, and she expects something back, because it's the only way she knows to earn her place.

Her self-esteem is so low that she does not feel she deserves common decency. She does not feel she deserves interest in her as a person. She feels she is worth something only if she can give someone what they want.

It costs her. She ends up with people who take what she gives and never ask who she is. The more she gives, the less she feels seen, and the harder she tries.

What she wants

What a woman really wants is to feel appreciated and loved for who she is.

So on a date, the question isn't what she can offer. It isn't how to hang on his every word so he feels special, whether she should pay, how to dress to catch his eye, or how physical she should be to keep him interested.

The real questions are simpler. Do I feel special? Is he taking an interest in me? Does he want to know me?

Moving from "What can I give him?" to "Does he see me?" can be painful. She isn't used to feeling worthy. When a man treats her that way, it can feel unfamiliar, even wrong, and she may decide he isn't the right man. Her filter lets the wrong men into her life, because that is what she is used to. The reason is low self-esteem.

The way out

It starts with small acts of self-respect. She begins to do the things that make her happy, whatever anyone else feels about it. She says what is actually on her mind, whatever anyone else feels about it. She owes it to herself to recognize that what comes out of her is worthy of her own recognition. It is worthy, and it has a place to be expressed. If it is wrong, she can apologize later. In that moment, it needs to be said.

The date

If she is on a date and doesn't feel comfortable, she is done.

Paying works the same way. If his paying leaves her feeling she owes him something, the date has already turned into a trade. That's one reason a coffee date works: the cost is small, and she walks away owing no one anything.

What he can do

A man who understands this makes it easy for her. He's interested in her thoughts, not just her company. He doesn't keep score. When she rushes to give, he lets her know she doesn't have to earn her place with him. For a woman used to trading, that may be the first time she feels chosen for who she is, not for what she does. And once she feels that, she can finally stop performing and rest.

Before your next date

For a woman: What do you usually offer on a date to feel worth something? What would it feel like to say one honest thing on your next date, even if you're not sure how he'll take it?

For a man: When a woman goes out of her way for you early on, how do you respond? What could you do to show her she doesn't have to earn her place with you?