14. The Two Natures of a Man

Two natures

Every person has two natures. The lower one is animal: basic desires, the pull toward pleasure with the least effort. The higher one is the ability to take another person's desire as their own.

For a man, the struggle between them shows up most clearly in desire. What he wants depends on which nature he identifies with, and where he draws his pleasure from. If he lives in the lower nature, he wants the next conquest. When he begins to identify with the higher, what he wants changes: to master his nature, to overcome the lower and embrace the higher. The moment he sees that direction, he becomes more attractive than men who look better or earn more. He is on the path of becoming who he was built to be.

The lower nature

The lower nature says: I want physical intimacy. It feels good. After he has it, he is empty. He cannot wait for the next time.

If he brings that hunger into a relationship, it puts her off. He is showing her that he needs her for a temporary desire. He will take her out. He will play along. He will do what it takes to get it. It does not satisfy him. It does not satisfy her. Each time he acts from that little desire, he feels worse and more empty than the time before.

The higher nature

A man who masters his desire still feels it. He doesn't fight it or pretend it isn't there. He uses it. The energy of that desire becomes his motivation to invest in her.

The higher nature changes the question. The lower asks, "What can I get from her?" The higher asks, "What does she want, and how can I give it to her?" Her desires start to feel like his own. When she is happy, he feels it as his own success.

So he wants to know her inner world: her thoughts, her desires, her values, what moves her. It can start over a simple cup of coffee. This isn't a technique to win her over. Knowing her is what he wants.

What changes in him

Over time, the hunger that used to run him quiets down. It doesn't disappear. It stops being in charge. What replaces it is steadier and far more satisfying: the feeling of being a man who can give.

She gives him the sense that he can do anything, take on anything. This is the pleasure the higher nature was offering all along.

A physical conquest is temporary. He wants a true woman who will help him become a true man.

What to do with this

For a woman: She can tell the two natures apart early. The lower rushes: compliments about her body, pushing toward the physical, losing interest when it doesn't come. The higher is curious: he asks about her thoughts, remembers what matters to her, and is patient.

For a man: The desire isn't the enemy. Acting from it is. Every time he turns it into knowing her, he builds his higher nature a little more.

Before your next date

For a man: On your last few dates, which nature was leading, the one asking what you could get, or the one asking what she wants? What might change if you walked into your next date curious about her inner world?

For a woman: Among the men who've pursued you, who wanted to know your thoughts and values, and who wanted something else? What signs could help you tell them apart sooner?