13. What His Desire Is Really Pointing To

Surface attraction

At the surface, what males want is physical intimacy. A man looks at a beautiful woman and feels it: her features, the energy she gives off, how she dresses, how she smells.

Many men will deny it. Show them a woman they don't find attractive, and the desire to court her disappears. He can be her friend. He can ask her opinion. He can be kind. As a partner, without attraction, the desire isn't there.

What he wants

A man does not actually want the physical. He wants what that desire is pointing to.

Attraction opens a door. It says this might be someone worth getting to know. It doesn't say she is. Some attraction is just the natural pull toward intimacy. Some means she has sparked his interest as a person. His job is to find out which. Intimacy is that same exploration, expressed physically. To explore who she is, he sets physical desire aside and takes an interest in her.

What he is really after is the feeling of being a man: capable, strong, masculine. He builds part of that himself, through what he accomplishes and the discipline he keeps. That gives him confidence. But the appreciation, fulfillment, and satisfaction he can receive from his woman is light years beyond anything he can give himself. That part only she can give.

So in dating, he puts the energy of that desire into getting to know her. He wants to know her well enough that the pleasure of knowing her becomes greater than the physical. He learns what she wants. He gives her that. They build experiences together. The relationship grows deeper.

What she hears

She hears a clear message. Here is a man who is interested in her, not just her body. She can trust him. She can rely on him. He is in control of his own desire, so she can feel safe letting go of hers when the time is right.

Months down the road, when they are ready for physical intimacy, the closeness of that experience is far beyond anything purely physical.

What to do with this

For a woman: His attraction is the opening, not the relationship. A man who slows down to know her is showing her something rare. She doesn't have to rush to hold his interest. The right man wants to earn it.

For a man: The desire is a compass, not a destination. Every time he follows it straight to the physical, he gets the surface and misses what it was pointing to.

Before your next date

For a man: With the woman you're seeing, or want to see, what have you actually learned about who she is? What's one question that would take you past the surface?

For a woman: When a man moves fast physically, how do you feel about it afterward? What would it look like to let a man earn your closeness instead of rushing to keep his interest?